To My Sister

She would’ve have been 31 years of age today. Perhaps, if she is still alive, I might have one or two or three nieces/nephews! How happy would that be..
I cant remember if I had ever talked about her in my blog. If I had, I still wouldnt mind to talk about her again and again. Someday, when Im too old to remember, I’d be thankful to myself for this :)
She was so much different from me. Physically, she was taller with quite a darker skin. Her hair was thicker than mine and she was slightly bigger than me. She had a very sweet smile. I have long forgotten how her voice sounds like but surely way softer than mine cause I always think that my voice is rough and unpleasant to hear :|
She was such a sweet and lovable person and people could easily connected to her.
Academically, she was a bright student and never failed to make my parents proud. My father is always the strict one when it comes to academic excellence. So, every year her name would be called out on stage either for the first, second or third place. The most common question: periksa dapat no.brapa?
She always wanted to be a lawyer but then changed her mind when she started getting sick. That was when she was 17, getting inspired by the doctor who treated her at the clinic. Btw, I still remember the doctor’s name – Dr. Noorul Amin :)
She spent her entire secondary studies in boarding school. She was an independent girl, very matured and high spirited. I dont remember seeing her cries, worries or complaining.

That’s my sister..

So many memories of her. I cant hold back my tears and Im not able to write them all here. For many years I was trying to understand why did I make that decision not to follow my parents to the hospital that day.  She was admitted to HUKM only for two days and passed away on the second day while I was preparing myself to school. I remember my heart was beating fast as the telephone rang. It was my father telling me that she’s gone. I never really asked what the situation was like during the final hours cause I know it was so painful to bear for my mother, though I wanted to know so much. But my mother did share a little bit, how my sister suffered and she asked where I was. Yes, she wanted to see me for the last time but sadly I wasnt there.
Today, I think I can finally understand why Allah planned it that way. I was emotionally strong on the day my sister passed away because I wasnt there to witness everything, so I dont have to remember every painful detail of it, unlike my mother, who has to bear with it for the rest of her life. Allah knows I cant handle the memories of my sister lying in that hospital bed, grasping for oxygen. She suffered so much during her final moments and was critically ill but all Im able to do for all these years is just trying to picture everything in my head. For many years, I cried myself to sleep everytime I think of her. What more if I were to remember all those disturbing details? I said I was emotionally strong but the truth is Im not and someday, I will have to face the fact that my parents too will be gone forever. There will be no one left but me.
Ya Allah, how I miss her so much. How I wish she is still here. How I wish I can talk to her about my days, my problems, my worries, my fears and everything.

Dear Kakak,
Happy Birthday..
I know you’re in safe hands. Allah is taking good care of you. But I miss you so very much. Im sorry for not being there with you before you go. Im sorry for not being a really good sister to you. Im sorry if I had ever hurt your feelings. I love you so much.. When the time comes, I will meet you, In Sha Allah.

Al-Fatihah

5th Oct 2013, 1 Zulhijjah 1434

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